These few days I've been in a bad mood, and I'm still wondering why. I like the condition I"m in now, though, coz I've been a "loud" person all this while, and I can actually be quiet and silent these few days. Why humans are so fragile when it comes to emotional problems? I've been studying softwares for a few years now, but still doesn't seem to get a hang of it. Could it be that I'll be forgotten even while I'm still alive? People are afraid that they won't be remembered by people closest to them, but how do you describe the feeling of fear, that you couldn't even make a mark in the memory of people closest to you while you're still alive?
In other words, nobody listens when you talk, and nobody cares about your presence. You are physically present with your bunch of friends but your presence was never taken into account. Is it only me who feels that way, or maybe I'm having mental illness? Does people hates me that much? Or my mere presence disgusted everyone? I'm not perfect, but I am who I am.
At the time being, I do not wish to start any, more than friends kind of relationship with anyone. Therefore, I am looking for a friend that can be close enough to share all my ups and downs, but they seemed so out of reach. Maybe it's personality problem. Sometimes I treat them better than I do with myself, but I guess it was all in vain.
I am studying far from home, and it was my choice because I feel neglected at home. I never get the attention of my father, but there is still respect for him, somewhere deep inside me. I know that life is not always fair, but this feeling of loneliness is something I can hardly bare any longer. I think this actually leads to the feeling that this life has no purposes. I'm not interested in traveling, nor foods, and all I feel in this life, is only an empty entity breathing air into my lungs every seconds. I have no ambitions, no aims. Furthermore, I'm good at nothing.
I think I've given up on life's miracle long ago, but I was brought up with the thought that it's a sin to commit suicide, and therefore, I'd have no choice but to continue living... I realize that a smile can brightens up a person's day, but the one who smiles might not really smiles from his heart and is really happy. I keep feeling that this moody me, today, is kinda like a fake me. It's making me unsure which is the real me. Am I the happy person that everyone thought I am, or otherwise.......
